Kiharn's Diaryland profile... Inspired by Briar-H... Images hosted by Photobucket A lack of anything resembling an explanation, frustratingly. Of Cats, Dogs, Foxes, and Ravens Calling A Shareholders' Meeting Errata ...placeholder... |
--- 2002-10-24 --- 6:43 a.m. --- Slave. Mine to shape, mine to guide, mine to teach. Slave. Each breath a gift, each touch a prize, each moment of existance something of far more personal value than most people ever experience. Slave. You're sleeping right now, the camera is off and my heart is breaking because I can finally see the... no, not cliff edge, not end of the road, none of those stereotypes. I can see your breaking-point. It's the point where you decide that it's not worth this emotional hell, the point where you decide that I'm not worth this emotional hell. You don't hate me yet. You don't... you never did see, never will see, and even here in this vague bit of text posted to a numb and uncaring screen you still won't see because I won't write it. Call it a stupid woman thing, but damn it, if I have to sit down and tell you exactly what's wrong and exactly what you should be doing, that becomes PART of what's wrong. I want you to understand that I'm hurting and hungry, and I want you to understand that it's you starving me slowly without noticing or caring. I want you to understand that this time, when I disappear, it's you. It's you. Too perfect for words, too beautiful for me, I've known it from the beginning and I keep trying to fight it, to hide it, to pretend I'm good enough for you. Who exactly are you writing this to? All three of them. One in particular. The one I can't seem to feel any more. The one who almost, almost, was what I needed, then threw it away. The one who doesn't care. You know he cares. Oh, fuck YOU. He cares a bit about you because he feels sort of responsible but don't think for a moment that he won't drop you the second you truly inconvenience him. I mean, look. It's morning, and you could call him. I could call any of them. But we're not. We're keeping our peace because we don't dare press any more, and you know it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a letter to write. No. You're not going to send this to him. We're already turning it into a conversation, it'll get posted as such, and like so many other things posted there, it'll get ignored. Let them believe this is a phase. How long have you been planning your next jump? Five months. And how long have you been certain it'd be necessary? One month. And how long have you been GLAD? Two days. So you've got a bit of time still, and you know when it happens they'll all either say 'oh how sudden' or 'we saw this coming for years'. It doesn't matter what you tell him, or what you told him, or what you told any of them. Shut up already. I was writing. No, now you're crying. Just think what they'd say if they could see you in tears because of some stupid pathetic MALE's lack of understanding and absence, or because some beautiful boy who is finally marked as yours is so far away, or because the snuggling and nausiating cuddles you dream of all happen in some other state or some other country? They'd laugh. We know what we are. We know what YOU are, at the heart of it all. You do so well to hide it, most days. Tough bitch. Causing pain. And then you slip, you try to tell them, you break down, and we get stuck covering your ass. We aren't doing it any more. Wh..what exactly do you mean? We mean that you are leaving. Going. Gone. There are others in here who will be more than happy to take control of the boys, to train them the way you don't seem to be able to, teach them the manners you can't seem to drill into them, to actually get what we ALL need from them. No. P... Don't beg. Don't talk. You'll get to say goodbye. And ONLY goodbye. You've been slipping away for weeks now, it's about time you left. We don't need you. You're hurting us. You're hurting them. You're making all of this harder than it has to be. We'd hoped that seeing Angel would shock some sense into you but, well, that didn't happen, now did it? Next week. Too late. We've decided. You were foolish enough to drag Radu back out when we wanted him where we'd put him. You were foolish enough to comfort and spare the cat when we wanted his pain. You were foolish enough to try to protect your technogeek. No more. NO MORE. We're tired of your interferance. We're tired of your idiocy. We're tired of your goddamned stupid useless MERCY. We're tired of hurting, starving, because you're too kind and too stubborn to let us Feed. No more. But... No. If you can't do the job, if you cause us this much misery... we'll take care of it other ways. --- previous entry --- next entry --- --- all content is copyright, ditto graphics --- IE, 800x600 --- |